Well Played, Brit.

9 12 2008

I only have two qualms:
-No one EVER naturally uses their tongue like that when they enunciate.
-The Billy Blanks-esque dancing I’ll forgive in lieu of Brit being present and, for the first time since Toxic, actually engaging. But still, if this keeps up, I may have to kidnap and force her to watch ‘Single Ladies’ and ‘Like a Boy’ on a loop.


Arbitrary and Unnecessary Cycle 11 Superlatives, Judgments

26 11 2008

Best Tyra finale wardrobe in the history of ANTM

Worst contestant finale wardrobe in the history of ANTM

Most Ambivalence about the finalists from Tyra in the history of ANTM
America's Next Top Model

Most Creatively Incongruent Mr. Jay-directed runway in the history of ANTM


Most generous imaging of Whitney in the history of her presence in ANTM


Most horrendously staged “candid” product placement in the history of ANTM (and, therefore, all of television)


Best collective reactions ever captured in a single frame…in the history of ANTM


Much credit to the incomparable Rich at fourfour for the totally brill caps. Speaking of Rich, since this meh cycle is officially over, I’ve decided it’s high time my three go-to recap blogs/sites (fourfour, TWOP, and EW.com) receive a proper evaluation. It’s all…after the jump!

Read the rest of this entry »

I Just Soiled Myself in Delight

19 11 2008

Watch it in higher quality here.

Twilight Impressions

18 11 2008

I’ve not read a single line of the Twilight series, and unlike my aggressive aversion to the over-hyped Dave Matthews Band, I’m totally drinking the Stephanie Meyer Kool-Aid and becoming increasingly eager to catch the film when it comes out November 21st. With that said, I’ve been watching the interviews of Robert Pattinson (who I already favored because he’s played a Hufflepuff) and Taylor Lautner on EW.com and I have some completely unnecessary judgments to make of them.

Taylor Lautner (aka Sharkboy and Wolfteen):

Click his face to watch his interview. My initial (and therefore, completely accurate) impression of him is he’s that guy who’s friendly and fun to be around, but God love him, is more dense than a Redwood. His redemptive quality, however, is that he seems to be aware of it. And if it’s cool with him, it’s cool with me. I’m also fully aware that the grounds for the above claims are strongly based on his horse teeth. It surely doesn’t make him look smarter.

Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen/Man-dusa):

Click anywhere BUT that frightening coif to see his EW interview. Lautner’s easy to read, what with him being all “aw, shucks, I love the movie, I love the director, I love my were-hair, teehee.” But there is something refreshing about Pattinson’s watered-down, media- and fangirl-friendly pseudocynicism. Throughout the interview Mr. Rasta Beanie (the poor guy’s forced to keep his hair long and unkempt to maintain his Edward-ness) fidgets through the questions with measured self-deprecation. Coming off of fame from another wildly popular book series, Pattinson seems pretty acutely aware of Twilight’s superficiality, which I love. Unlike his squeaky-clean boyhunk counterpart Zac Efron, who his so completely aware of his sparkle-toothed charm and endorses the High School Musical franchise like it’s the solution to our country’s economic problems, you can tell Pattinson only sees this as a gateway to actually meaningful work (i.e. the upcoming Dali biopic in which he stars).

So yeah, Robert Pattinson’s charmed me into being interested in the film even more than I already was. And I’ll give Taylor a few more chances to alter my initial impression of him. But seriously: am I wrong?

His Time Has Passed

14 11 2008

Do you think Jason Priestley considers it a personal hit when NBC misspells his name three times on their web site?

PriestlySo sorry, Jaysin (it is Jaysin, rite?). Looks like there’s only room for one post-90210 moniker in our memory banks, and frankly, Brian Austin Green is a far simpler phonetic task. Also, don’t feel too bad. Judging by the fact that I capped this page at 12:30 PM on Friday, it looks like NBC’s web team has been slacking on all counts.

Two Choices: Hip-Hop Femininity

5 11 2008

I recently saw Ciara’s new “Go Girl” video, and I have many thoughts, none of which are entirely positive. First, the superficial shots: the song has zero energy. T-Pain’s guest spot is the most exciting part of the track, and that just means it kept me awake long enough to see the end. The concept was also only halfway there; it’s futuristic, she’s an about-business corporate chick. Now she’s a robot! Then it ends climactically with her becoming the main feature at a harley show, twirling around on a Price is Right, “brand new car!”-esque lazy susan, spurting sparks from the tailpipe. Also, the scaffolding in the final dance sequence looks like the behind-the-scenes view of the scaffolding in the “Promise” video. Oh yeah, and it looks like Ci-Ci has not only harnessed the Matrix backbend, but the “Go Girl” video seemed to be an outlet to display her newfound love for Mel B.-like splits. Overall, in one word, “Go Girl” is both visually and aurally uninspired.


Seeing her in that CUH-RAZY robot outfit with metal greaves, a strong stance and underoos that Katy Perry would fall in love with, got me thinking about Ciara’s image and strong femininity in hip-hop. She’s not the first female solo artist to ward off the temptation of becoming a glorified video girl (yeah, I’m looking at you, Christina Milian, Ashanti, Amerie, etc.), nor has she completely eschewed using sex as a marketing technique. But overall, everything from her bourgeoning image to her aggressive-yet-impressive dance style is refreshingly strong for a female in her particular genre, and in pop music in general. I applaud her for espousing this unique image, but after the Go Girl video, I felt led in two distinct directions:

Ciara’s Anti-Object Femininity: How’s She Doin?

1) Her message, while a bit jarring, is important and should be applauded and embraced by the hip-hop community. Sure, she’s pretty freakin’ terrifying in that robot outfit and man-cut business suit in her new video. But maybe it’s necessary. Maybe Ciara needs to be the stark opposite so we can arrive somewhere in the middle. And I’m not saying that it’s a travesty that women are being mentioned in sexual terms in rap lyrics; that would be a separate issue altogether. What Ciara’s standing against, at least visually, is the manipulation and domination that is occurring in popular sexual lyrics regarding women. Women aren’t partners in rappers’ sex fantasies; they’re subordinated and lured with promises of fame and wealth, which give the lyricist the right to gratify himself however he sees fit, sometimes even with violence. I know what you’re thinking: light topic, right? Let’s move on.


2. Ciara has good intentions, but she’s actually making matters worse. Good for Ciara for standing up against objectifying females, but seriously: the message she’s sending with her creepitude costuming is putting us right back where we started. The reason I say this: a woman does not need to disregard her innate femininity to illustrate that she’s more than a sex object. What CiCi’s saying with her MANnerisms is, “sup. I’m just like a dude. That means I gets respect.” WRONG. Ciara needs to hold on to what makes her a woman and demand equality in the hip-hop genre while doing so.

Anyway, sorry for the tome. Below is her video, just in case you need to prove me wrong:

Random irreverence to the intellectual legitimacy of all the above: check out the beginning of the spark-cycle sequence at 2:36. How does that look like anything BUT super-flatulence?!

Two Choices: Whatever You Like

31 10 2008

T.I., coming fresh off his machine-gun indictments, has been flying high off the success of his newest album Paper Trail as well as the near simultaneous chart-toppers Live Your Life and Whatever You Like. Famous parodist and self-deprecating Caucasian Weird Al Yankovic is also enjoying moderate success with his take of T.I.’s Economically-dismissive Whatever You Like, turning lyrics like “I’d gas up the jet for you tonight/ and baby you can have whatever you like” into bargain-friendly suggestions, such as “Take you out for dinner, anywhere that you please/Like Burger King or Mickey Ds.” While I’ve never been a die-hard fan of Yankovic’s, his lyrics have always made me chuckle, and the uber-topical nature of this newest single is more relevant to me than his previous hit, the painfully over-done “I’m-white-and-therefore-can-never-be-urban” take on “Ridin’ Dirty.” (Yankovic boasts that “Whatever You Like” is the first parody he’s created while the original single was still on the billboard charts). Both singles are hits in their own right, which leaves me with two very different directions:

How do you prefer to view the economy?

1) T.I.’s way. There’s something delightfully escapist about wining and dining your true love (which I’m sure this woman is to T.I. He’s such a hopeless romantic…right?), throwing caution to the wind, and, dare I say it, wholeheartedly “Liv(ing) You Life.” I know, I know. So PunNasty.
2) Weird Al’s way. However, maybe we need to jokingly call attention to our wastefulness. I know that Yankovic didn’t intend for his version to necessarily be a diatribe against Patron-sippin, but his hyperbolic contrast makes one realize the horrific financial state that this country is in. Perhaps it’s best to recognize it, make certain lifestyle changes for the bettering of the economy, but still have a sense of humor about it.

So, what do you think? Hit up the vids below for more in-depth research.

Aside: If it wasn’t for T.I.’s staggering confidence, there’s no way anyone could find him attractive. I have never seen anyone who looks more like a rat. Don’t get me wrong, I love T.I.’s music. I’m simply relaying facts.