I’m torn between acting like people read this and apologizing for not updating, or just starting my post in dismal awareness of my lack of readership. Um…well I guess now there’s no need to make a delineation. Let’s begin!
I haven’t been writing recently for good reason: the dastardly GRE I’m taking this Thursday. However, I feel it appropriate to write this particular post because of my flawless integration of my newly-acquired data analysis skills. See data below:
The First-Ever Pop Kernels Stutterometer!
I assume that, because the average non-GRE-prepper will see this display of advanced mathematics and be both overwhelmed and awed, I shall offer a brief interpretation of my findings…
AFTER THE JUMP!
I’ve noticed a fast-growing trend in the always-tasteful genre of mainstream female pop music: speech impediments=hit single!
At first, I balked. I thought it to be a cheap and easy means of buying oneself some verse/chorus time to take up some space in an already vapid single. But then I was presented with more examples of the “stutter sound,” and I realized that my initial judgment was on songs that used the technique poorly. Therefore, my chart above ranks aforementioned singles in order of wonderful Dee-lish-ness to horrifying levels of Dee-sgustingness.
1. The Veronicas, “Untouched”
Clearly the most deft at contructing cleverly layered stuttered wordplay, The Veronicas easily take the top spot for putting the impediments in various parts of the verses, not the chorus. Unlike their competitors, one hears varied stutters, not the annoyingly repetitive repeating of words. Yes, it makes sense. Trust.
2. Beyonce, “Radio”
B doesn’t lay down the stutter quite as cleverly as the Aussie twins do; in fact, her stuttering takes place in some weird bridge-verse-chorus limbo area, which becomes predictable. However, B’s vocals make it something you want to hear again, and it’s infrequent enough to leave you wanting more.
3. Britney Spears, “Womanizer”
Outright laziness. This song’s got enough radio rotation that I need to explain very little to back up my reasoning. The ony reason she’s not at the bottom of the list is because I’m impressed at her ability to pronounce any form of the English language at this point. Anyway, the stuttering’s far too frequent (it ‘s 62% of the song!) and completely rudimentary; I learned it in three listens. But it’s well-produced.
4. Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”
Y’know, if you’re gonna stutter, own it. Gaga’s got a distinct, put-together image, and the production qualities on her singles are solid and fresh. But her drawn-out repetition of “My Poker Face” is a blatant, last-minute filler for dead air. It’s so much more notable also because the rest of the single is tightly arranged. More strikes against her:
a) she’s been aligned with the Wonky Pop movement, and that’s offensive.
b) That hand-around-the-face dance move.
c) Class-(and context)-less product placement of some headphones.
How can you not agree with me when viewing the stats?!