He’s always been a fantastic creator of structured coats and jackets, and this one is no exception. I wish I could see all the detail on the dress underneath. It looks both decadent and wearable.

This is an excellent example (of several) of his eye for color. He takes a typical Fall palette and tweaks it to flawlessly integrate to evoke the sands and heat of Egypt. Love the pants and the sleeves.

I really like the fit of this. Not too boring and not too flashy. Love the sharp angles and splash of color.

A signature look, but not simply recycled. The metallic hints of gold really make the dress.

Another Siriano signature: a sudden jolt of color to spice up an otherwise predictable palette. The details are both exciting and subtly romantic. Would have loved to see this move.

Christian chose the perfect model to wear this dress. The skin tone makes this dress’ subtle taupe hue pop boldly.

I love every bit of this. I’m so glad Sessilee Gomez wore it. The fabric texture really encapsulates Siriano’s vision.

See the rest of the collection here.

Overall, the collection was interesting, diverse, and technically astounding. I know that there were more impressive runs from time-honored favorites, but Siriano keeps my pop-culture-focused interest. I’m always excited to see what he creates and how creatively he’ll execute a vision. Last season’s rainstorm-inspired collection was so tactile and effective.

What do you think? Am I far too pedestrian to state an accurate opinion on Siriano’s latest collection? What did you fashion-forward folks think of it? I’m really curious, because I’m definitely not gonna sit here and act like the authority on haute couture. I judge my opinions based on how cool I think it looks.

Maybe I’ve been watching far too much LOST, but I swear that Kevin Rudolf IS this kid in the future, but NOW. Maybe he got caught in a time-space continuum and grew physically, but not quite in the mental region. Y’know, like Big and Benjamin Button and Daniel Faraday all rolled into one nonsensical individual.

Need proof? Just imagine with me for a moment: the few paragraphs below scribbled onto a napkin (not a bar napkin, of course; more like a floral-print Sparkle paper towel folded into fourths aside a PBJ). Mr. Rudolf’s opus! Ode to partying hearty!

I see your dirty face high behind your collar. What is done in vain? Truth is hard to swallow, so you pray to God to justify the way you live a lie. And you take your time, and you do your crime. Well, you made your bed; I’m in mine, because when I arrive, I’ll bring the fire, make you come alive; I can take you higher! What is this: forgot?! I must now remind you: LET IT ROCK! LET IT ROCK! LET IT ROCK!

Now the son’s disgraced. He who knew his father when he cursed his name turned and chased the dollar. But it broke his heart, so he stuck his middle finger to the world! And you take your time, and you stand in line. Well, you’ll get what’s yours. I got mine!

(Popular friend warbles gratuitous innuendos in the distance)

I wish I could be as cruel as you, and I wish I could say the things you do. But I can’t, and I won’t live a lie! No, not this time.

How else can you explain this? Can it even BE explained?!! Y’know what’s even MORE unexplainable? He has a second single on the radio. I’m just disgusted (I think).

Seriously: SO perfect. I’ve never felt more catharsis for my delightful confusion then when I witnessed this subtle and perfectly sustained face contortion. This ALONE should garner him all the Emmys of ever.

(Thanks to Best Week Ever for the screencap)

Since my laziness to find a CD to listen to on the commute to and from work and the inability to download music due to current impoverishedness has forced me to listen to the radio for hours each day, I was compelled to reach an epiphany. How would the typical vapid top 40 song read if it were stripped of its hook-filled splendor and written out in sentence form? I present to you below the first in what could be as many as six ‘Pop Prose’ entries.

Let’s see if what Colbie has to say in ‘Realize‘ is coherent when written out like a letter to a romantic hopeful. Of course, to retain any ounce of sense within the song, I omitted chorus/bridge repetitions, and arbitrarily spelled out select contractions.

<ahem>

Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in. Take time to realize that I am on your side. Didn’t I tell you? But I can’t spell it out for you. No, it’s never going to be that simple. No, I can’t spell it out for you! If you just realized what I just realized–that we’d be perfect for each other and we’d never find another–[if you] just realized what I just realized, we’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize I’m on your side. Didn’t I tell you?! Take time to realize this all could pass you by. Didn’t I tell you? It’s not always the same. No, it’s never the same if you don’t feel it too. If you meet me halfway? If you would meet me halfway, it could be the same for you.

Well shucks, Colbie. Hard to disagree with that killer string of logic. I’m sold! You could even say I realized. Did I tell you? Are you sure? Didn’t I not tell you earlier, maybe? Okay, so I did tell you, right?

Glad that’s settled.

This is the only reason I’ll ever need YouTube for the rest of my days.

UPDATE!
Okay, this is the only reason I’ll ever need YouTube for the rest of my days.

I haven’t been writing recently for good reason: the dastardly GRE I’m taking this Thursday. However, I feel it appropriate to write this particular post because of my flawless integration of my newly-acquired data analysis skills. See data below:

The First-Ever Pop Kernels Stutterometer!

I assume that, because the average non-GRE-prepper will see this display of advanced mathematics and be both overwhelmed and awed, I shall offer a brief interpretation of my findings…

AFTER THE JUMP!

Suckaz.

I’ve noticed a fast-growing trend in the always-tasteful genre of mainstream female pop music: speech impediments=hit single!

At first, I balked. I thought it to be a cheap and easy means of buying oneself some verse/chorus time to take up some space in an already vapid single. But then I was presented with more examples of the “stutter sound,” and I realized that my initial judgment was on songs that used the technique poorly. Therefore, my chart above ranks aforementioned singles in order of wonderful Dee-lish-ness to horrifying levels of Dee-sgustingness.

1. The Veronicas, “Untouched”

Clearly the most deft at contructing cleverly layered stuttered wordplay, The Veronicas easily take the top spot for putting the impediments in various parts of the verses, not the chorus. Unlike their competitors, one hears varied stutters, not the annoyingly repetitive repeating of words. Yes, it makes sense. Trust.

2. Beyonce, “Radio”

B doesn’t lay down the stutter quite as cleverly as the Aussie twins do; in fact, her stuttering takes place in some weird bridge-verse-chorus limbo area, which becomes predictable. However, B’s vocals make it something you want to hear again, and it’s infrequent enough to leave you wanting more.

3. Britney Spears, “Womanizer”

Outright laziness. This song’s got enough radio rotation that I need to explain very little to back up my reasoning. The ony reason she’s not at the bottom of the list is because I’m impressed at her ability to pronounce any form of the English language at this point. Anyway, the stuttering’s far too frequent (it ‘s 62% of the song!) and completely rudimentary; I learned it in three listens. But it’s well-produced.

4. Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”

Y’know, if you’re gonna stutter, own it. Gaga’s got a distinct, put-together image, and the production qualities on her singles are solid and fresh. But her drawn-out repetition of “My Poker Face” is a blatant, last-minute filler for dead air. It’s so much more notable also because the rest of the single is tightly arranged. More strikes against her:
a) she’s been aligned with the Wonky Pop movement, and that’s offensive.
b) That hand-around-the-face dance move.
c) Class-(and context)-less product placement of some headphones.

How can you not agree with me when viewing the stats?!

Anyway, the last time B released two videos from her latest album, ‘Single Ladies’ clearly came out on top. The thing became a YouTube, Bonnie Hunt, SNL, and AMA phenomenon, while ‘If I Were a Boy’ simply confused people (read: me) with its shifting perspective and bored others (read: me again) with its blase whininess.

This time around, the tables have certainly turned. Translation: Halo rocks as a single on a purely sonic level.View below.

The video doesn’t necessarily help or hurt its awesomeness. Overall, it makes sure to stay out of the way of viewers actually listening to the track by employing incredibly typical and bland archetypes. ‘Ooh, ain’t we sweet!’ ‘He adores my passion of watching myself do an accelerated form of pantomime in front of a mirror!’ ‘Oh my gosh, camera! Didn’t notice you there as we giggle deliciously!’

Also, personal qualm: if you’re gonna hire a model to be your love interest to act out a relationship you ‘wrote’ about in your ‘most personal album yet,’ a relationship that you have with a hugely public figure, a figure everyone knows you’re married to, then COMMIT to acting like you’re NOT YOU. What I mean by this: don’t spend the last 30 seconds of the video singing to him whilst 3 cm from his face and not make any contact. Weird. B, I totally respect you not wanting to get your hank-pank on in your vid whilst married. Just don’t tread some strange line between committing to the ‘character’ in your video and remaining Mrs. HOVA. Anyway. Unnecessary aside.

Moving on to ‘Diva,’ a video that does exactly what ‘Halo’ didn’t do, on an obscenely grand scale:

Imma bullet my issues.
-Are we now to believe that Sasha permanently comes with a backup-dancing duo? If so, a) boo for blandness and b) how creepy of Beyonce to yearn for the Destiny’s Child days of yore, when two subordinates were always at her rear!
-Those much-publicized-pre-video-release fringe glasses were SO anti-climactic. First of all, she barely wore them during the video. And secondly, they were so incongruent! ‘omgLOVE these glasses, Mr. Video Director. I must wear them with my most avant garde apparel: JEANS, A WHITE TANK TOP, AND A LEATHER JACKET.’ So NOT diva.
-The concept was slim-to-non-existent. With ‘Single Ladies,’ a concept wasn’t required; the focus was on the crazy-awesome 3+ minutes of choreography. And that was a record-introducing single. Girlfriend (or, as in the case of this video, Homegirl) gotsta step it up with some coherence on the second go-round.
-Howevs, the dancing was on the money considering the track’s ‘hood’ quality. B was moving with more of a ‘what up’ aggression and shoulder swag, unlike the strong feminine hippages of ‘Single Ladies.’ That’s right, hippages.

Overall, the vids are sufficient and still relatively entertaining. But Halo definitely emerges as more of a solid release, while Diva feels too hurried and wafer-thin.

Worst contestant finale wardrobe in the history of ANTM

Most Ambivalence about the finalists from Tyra in the history of ANTM

Most Creatively Incongruent Mr. Jay-directed runway in the history of ANTM

Most generous imaging of Whitney in the history of her presence in ANTM

Most horrendously staged “candid” product placement in the history of ANTM (and, therefore, all of television)

Best collective reactions ever captured in a single frame…in the history of ANTM

Much credit to the incomparable Rich at fourfour for the totally brill caps. Speaking of Rich, since this meh cycle is officially over, I’ve decided it’s high time my three go-to recap blogs/sites (fourfour, TWOP, and EW.com) receive a proper evaluation. It’s all…after the jump!

Thanks to the following three recappers, ANTM’s eleventh cycle consumed my free time in front of the computer at work. I’d read and comment on EW’s recap the following morning, check up on those comments until Monday, when Rich posts his gif- and screen-cap-happy analysis, and then finally, gorge myself in prep for the new episode Tuesday morning with Potes’ dissection at Television Without Pity. But, amidst the cleverness, the dry wit, and intelligent commentary pervasive in all three recaps, there emerged one victor. Read below.

Mandi Bierly (and several guests) at EW.com

Pros: Its concision. I immediately went to EW on Thursday mornings, knowing that a halfway decent analysis of the previous night’s events would provide immediate gratification. Also, the 2-3-page length was appreciated, so I could get on with my non-existent piles of work.

Cons: Unfortunately, there are several. Throughout the cycle, inconsistency plagued the recaps; the episode of Isis’ elimination became a few scant paragraphs on the PopWatch blog, which not only prompted an angry response from fans, but also gave the not-so-subtle indication that Mandi was just not into ANTM anymore (that, and the fact that three other writers had a go before Mandi was stuck with it once again). When reading Bierly’s analysis of the show, she felt the need to maintain an air of decorous formality. She would crack a few winning sarcastic quips every now and then, but what put me off the most, other than her seemingly disinterested narrative voice, was her endless need to legitimately comment on the show, like it was something respectable. You can tell Bierly’s not paying too much attention when she seriously responds to a critique any of the judges (or Mr. Jay) make during the show. Jeff Jensen whipping out literary references and time-space continuum parallels in his LOST recaps? Yes, please. Missy Schwartz explaining why Stella’s complete lack of inspiration and construction should have gotten her auf’d far earlier on Project Runway? Most definitely. But for a show that prides itself on introducing “fierce” to the pop culture vocabulary, fashion smarts need to be checked at the door.

Grade: 65%

Potes at Television Without Pity

Pros: Much like the average wordcount, there are so very many good things about Potes’ literal dissection of each and every scene in an ANTM episode. She writes plainly, comprehensively, and so dryly that her sarcasm can sometimes go by unnoticed. But she’s always manages to make the most inane observations hilarious, while maintaining a consistent voice of intellectual snark. If Mandi Bierly actually realized how insane her dead-serious treatment of the show sounded, and was conscious whilst composing her recaps, she’d be Potes. Mucho kudos to Potes for realizing the awesomely terrible quality of the show, and highlighting said terribleness with such straight-faced and temperate prose.

Cons: Memba that length I discussed in the pros? Sweet lord sometimes it just wasn’t necessary. It’s America’s Next Top Model, not John Adams. Bierly and Potes are on opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard, and it wouldn’t hurt to fall somewhere in the middle.

Grade: 87%

Rich at fourfour

Pros: Of all three writers, Rich’s voice is the most distinct and comprehensive. Inside jokes are frequently referenced from recaps of 4+ weeks ago (my personal fave was Alaska Hannah’s nickname ICFAST, which stood for “I come from a small town”), and he sometimes even transcends cycles to make hilarious and inane parallels. Rich also triumphs in the Awareness of Ridiculousness category. Potes came close, but Rich’s visual aids truly bring to light how deliciously campy Tyra’s antics really are. And, oddly enough, his pseudo-arguments and observations are impressively composed and creatively written. It wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining if Rich’s animated gifs were accompanied by empty jabs and obvious jokes. His recaps make me feel like I can carry my reality-tv obsession with pride, knowing that there’s substance in intellectually pointing out and explaining a sheer lack of substance.

Cons: Rich has one crutch, and it’s being crass. Most of the time it’s pointedly employed, but other times it feels like an easy placeholder to get to the next gif. Happens rarely.

Grade: 97%

And now I wait until Cycle 12, where my ANTM gluttony will be centralized to HonestlyANTM, the blog that rumors are made of.

Watch it in higher quality here.